The A-word

Gynoid Brain

I’ve spent the last several days away from both Second Life and Discord, to recharge my mind and body. I had a lot of thinking to do.


I now realise that I’d misread what happened to Kittlen in her Gorean roleplay. And that wasn’t helped by my not being receptive and understanding. I withdrew at the moment when Kittlen needed me most. 🙁

But this is only the most recent example of where I’ve been going wrong in our D/s relationship. Kittlen has been begging me to get into her head via hypnosis, to help her heal from her past traumas. But I’ve held back. Partly out of fear of triggering bad memories, and partly from a lack of confidence in my abilities.

And there is another factor that has been affecting our relationship.

Autism.

I have it. Kittlen has it too. We are both on the spectrum, though our conditions manifest in different ways. Neither of us were ever diagnosed. And for Kittlen it’s more of a challenge because autism in girls isn’t as well understood or accepted.

Kittlen, to her credit, does a much better job of managing her autism than I do. She has had to, as a wife and mother.


I know that I saw speech therapist when I was very young, because I was non-communicative for so long. And I had problems with learning at school, which required a lot of remedial help. I have some of the reports from then, which my mother kept. But it wasn’t called autism. I was slow, shy, lacking confidence, and many other things. But the people who saw and tested me just did what the could and hoped that I’d grow out of it of my own account. Autism wasn’t really known about back then.

I didn’t grow out of it. I struggled on, through school and university, with mixed success. I found work, and even enjoyed some of it. But deep down inside, I know that there was something different about me. I found socialising difficult, and when I was under pressure I’d often shut down.

I kept going, but never had much idea where I was going, or where I wanted to go.

Voluntary redundancy in 2012 ended that journey. Although I was able to set myself up in self-employment, it was and remains a struggle for me. In the last few years, I’ve finally gotten steady money coming in, although not even close to enough for me to thrive. My family has supported me as much as they can. But I’ve been beset by bouts of depression and despair.


It wasn’t until a few years ago that I made the connection and realised that I have autism. A lot of stuff that had happened to me now made sense. But I still wasn’t sure how to move forward, and paralysed by fear.

Then my Dad got diagnosed with terminal illness, and my whole life got shook up.

Kittlen got to see and hear me during that time. She later told me how she could see my brain shutting down and restarting as I tried to process what was happening. As I took on more and more of the burden of caring for my Dad, I started having lots of flares. My brain would freeze due to being so overwhelmed.

Somehow, I managed to keep going, although my life was pretty much on hold.


It has been just over four months since Dad passed away, and I’m in a much better place now mentally and physically. But in the process, I’ve lost a lot of confidence, and I’m still recovering it. Kittlen has had to remind me of all the work I did back when I started to Dom her, and made her fall into my arms.

I have a lot of ground to cover again, to get our D/s relationship back to where it was. Then I need to find the courage and strength to push forward and help Kittlen with her own healing.

I also need to get help with managing my autism. Knowledge and understanding of the condition has advanced since my childhood. But to tap into that, I will need to get some kind of diagnosis. That will need a conversation with a GP, and a referral to a specialist. And that in turn requires me to find the courage to ask for help. To be frank, that terrifies me, but I’ve gone as far as I can with self-help and self-care.

Kittlen has several times told me that I should let her go, that she is hurting me with the pain of her own issues. But I’ve told her I’m in this for the long haul. Why? Because confronting her problems makes me confront my own. Because her perspective on my behaviour has shown my facets of myself that I’d never knows. Because I really, genuinely love her, even if her pain and anguish sometimes overwhelms me. And because I see how far we’ve both come, and how much we’ve helped one another over the years.

I know it won’t be easy. I know I’ll falter at times, and want to give up. But I have to see this through, for both our sakes. I truly believe that Kittlen is my soulmate. I’ve never felt this deeply about anyone else before.

I have an appointment on Friday, to have blood tests done. I’m going to ask who I should speak to about autism and getting diagnosed.

I’m turning my life around. Little things, every day, adding up over time. I now know what the problems are, where they are. I finally feel like I’m starting to take control of my destiny. It’s still early days, but I’m hopeful.

Renewal

One step forward, one step back, it seems, since my last blog post.


The threat of Brexit has receded somewhat for the time being, although I’m not holding out hope of any breakthrough soon in terms of ending this mess. Still, it means that other stories are now the focus of the news programmes.


Kittlen’s health remains a concern, both mental and physical, and that is continuing to have a knock-on effect on me. 🙁 It hasn’t been helped by some recent incidents in Second Life.

One was the return of Coyote, after being MIA for many months. She’s back doing DJ sets at both CFNM and Boudiccea. Kittlen was a bit annoyed, because Coyote has seemingly been accepted back as if her long absence was nothing of concern. Speaking for myself, I’m just bemused.

Kittlen also suspects that Coyote is trying to worm her way back into our lives because she misses the support we used to give her. But she’s out of luck if that’s so, because that ship sailed away long ago.

One thing that hasn’t changed, from what I heard and saw the few times I went to see Coyote perform, is her DJ-ing ability. In other words, she’s still where she was two or more years back, while both myself and Kittlen have raised our game several notches.


The other incident was more recent, and involved Gorean roleplay. Kittlen had been begging me to let her go play in the Gorean sims, and I reluctantly agreed after meeting and chatting to a mistress who was willing to take Kittlen under her wing.

However, things didn’t work out, and one scene in particular saw Kittlen safewording and screaming for me to come hold them. Eventually, I got the full story about what had happened from the mistress, Tasha. The rules of the Gorean sim required that Kittlen be branded as Tasha’s slave (for roleplay purposes—it was understood by all concerned that Kittlen was my girl) so that nobody else could try and claim her. But it brought back bad memories for Kittlen, and she bolted.

This put me in an uncomfortable position, as I had to apologise to Tasha for Kittlen’s breaking of the roleplay. Apparently, there had been other aspects of the roleplay that she’d not been willing to accept, and Tasha and the other roleplayers were tired of having to try and accommodate her behaviour.


All of this meant that I was starting to feel frazzled again, right when I needed to knuckle down and do my day-job in the real world. Thankfully, that went through without any major hitches, but worrying about Kittlen has not helped my mood, because I’m constantly dreading more bad news. 🙁

So I’ve made the decision to step away over Easter in order to recharge my batteries, and give myself time and space to decide my next moves. Kittlen doesn’t like it, but has agreed that I need the break. I know she’ll keep trucking as best she can. I just hope that we can reconnect somehow, and do so in a way that helps us both grow and move forward.

Feeling Blue

"Keep Calm And Carry On" poster

Apologies for the lengthy silence. Unfortunately, the ongoing flaming-clown-car-crash that is the UK Government and its attempts to foist a rubbish Brexit deal onto an unwilling Parliament (and by extension the British people) has sapped my spirits this month. We should have had a General Election by now, but for their own selfish reasons the Conservatives are clinging to power and refusing to recognise their disfunction.

Continue reading “Feeling Blue”

Permission to Speak

hand write open notebook mockup

Four days into NaNoWriMo, and I have a grand total of… zero words. Some notes and prompts, yes, but no actual writing.

Kittlen is frustrated at me because I’m not writing. But she forgets just how easy it is for her to conjure up words, and how hard it is for me.

Part of that is from my childhood. I’ve always been quiet. I didn’t even start to speak until I was 4 to 5 years old, and that was with help from a speech therapist. I was put into a remedial class at primary school because I was having trouble learning language, writing and maths. The last one was particularly problematic.

I got lucky when I turned 10—my then-headmaster was able to pull some strings and help me get a bursary to attend an independent school where I could get more intensive teaching. The only downside? It was a boarding school, on the other side of England from where I grew up.

Still, it worked, kinda. I finally grokked maths, and when the school opened its computer lab, I was immediately hooked. But my writing fell by the wayside, as did my artistic skills outside of some stuff I made in woodwork and metalwork classes.

I did eventually get my art going again later on in life when I got given a cheap second-hand copy of Photoshop and subsequently got roped into doing artwork preparation at my then-workplace. I forced myself to learn Photoshop, Illustrator, CorelDraw and other software, and gradually refined my techniques so I could make artwork that would print or display correctly on whatever medium it needed to go. That got me into video editing, DVD authoring and basic web design as I was asked to take on more roles.

My writing took longer to come back, but I did start blogging on-and-off in the early 2000s. But I stuck to talking about things in the news, mostly technology stuff. I didn’t put down on paper or screen any of the stories in my head. I think that, deep down, I was scared of being mocked and ridiculed. I’d been bullied during my school years, called a weirdo and a retard because I struggled with some subjects and was prone to daydreaming. (I now know that this was part of my autism, but at the time I’d not been diagnosed because it wasn’t as well understood and accepted.)

It’s only within the last few years that I’ve been able to start writing for myself, developing my own ideas. And that is still not easy for me. To paraphrase from the Police song ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’:

But my silent fears have gripped me

Long before I reach the phone.

Long before my tongue has tripped me.

Must I always be alone.

In that context, just announcing on NaNoWriMo that I have an idea for a novel is a significant achievement for me. It may be just a placeholder, a project file, but it’s something I can poke at when I get a chance.

As a result of being first a software developer and then a graphic designer, I’ve learned to start with an outline of what I want, then iterate on that, adding more and more detail, until I have something solid and whole. I do something similar in my fiction writing. Kittlen is the opposite, she dumps her ideas on the page, then later on figures out how to string them together.

And I have another means now to get my writing going. After a few false starts, I am writing in a personal journal. Well, it’s a collection of text files that are synchronised between my devices, but it is organised by year and month, and I’m forcing myself to write every day. I hope that I’ll get the habit to a point where it becomes more comfortable for me to capture my daydreams and random thoughts.

I am giving myself permission to speak.

Separated

Around the time I was finalising my previous blog post, the shit well and truly hit the fan. Kittlen threw Penalt out of their home. Then she left a message in the family group telling them to protect me and left. She also left YouMustObey, removed all of her stuff from my land parcel in Second Life, and un-collared herself from me on there too.

Coming in rapid succession, I was walloped and left reeling for a while. Thankfully, other family members reached out to check on and comfort me.

The problems between Kittlen and Penalt had been brewing for a long time, but Coyote’s actions brought it to the boil. The last straw had been her collaring of Penalt without warning or consultation. Kittlen flipped out and told Penalt he had to choose between her and Coyote. He decided to pick Coyote. Continue reading “Separated”

Positivity Over Negativity

 

Snapshot9_113
My girl Kittlen performing at SL15B. The theme this year was crystal, as you can probably guess from all the bling in the background.

Second Life is celebrating its 15th birthday (SL15B) at the moment. As part of that, it has been running a week of music events running across several areas. And my Kittlen was not only one of those invited to perform, but subsequently did several fill-in slots for others who couldn’t make it. I am so proud of her! Not only did she kick ass, but she worked with the support staff and other artists to help things run smoothly. 🙂

Continue reading “Positivity Over Negativity”

Overthinking

Stop overthinking. You can't control everything, just let it be.

[Image Credit: Live Life Happy]

One of the most significant personal problems I have to deal with regularly is my tendency to overthink. My brain can take a small issue, setback or annoyance, and spin it into a nightmare that has me withdrawing into myself, becoming cranky and snappy.

During the last few weeks, I had a lot of stuff hitting me in rapid succession that left me reeling. Some were outside of my control, but a few were self-inflicted. Continue reading “Overthinking”

Learning From My Mistakes

Being Kittlen’s dominant can feel at times like being on a roller-coaster ride. Kittlen has a lot of emotional and health issues to contend with, which impacts on her moods and behaviour in various ways. On top of that, she has two teenage children and one tween, which can affect her mood. Then there are the body memories, the traumas of her past.

Continue reading “Learning From My Mistakes”