Keep Going

Kittlen and I are having a communication breakdown.

Part of that is down to us having less time to spend together in Second Life. She has to work doing deliveries in order to earn enough money to support herself and her kids. I need to work to improve my mental health and move my life forward. I also need regular sleep as part of that. So we’re increasingly only in touch via Discord. And even there, it’s fraught with difficulty. She doesn’t want to dump on me because she knows I find it overwhelming at times. And I don’t really want to distract her when she’s driving.

Then there are the other tensions between us. Her need to be dominated by me, in more ways than I’m able to provide. My exasperation when she responds to my attempts to move her forward with negativity. Her desire to please me, even when I don’t need pleasing. My need to start focussing on healing myself for the first time in years.

I’m writing this because I want Kittlen to know that if I can’t help her in all the ways she’d like, I can at least inspire her to keep going by my achievements. And they’re so many.

  • I started doing an extra show on Sundays on Gorean Whip Radio.
  • I arranged two Whip shows from Gorean sims, despite not being Gorean, and was accepted and even praised for my music and entertainment.
  • I’m working through a six-week course for Dominants over at A Place To Meet in Second Life, learning lots of new things about D/s and being encouraged that I can be my own kind of Dominant.
  • I did two shows from the 2019 Second Life Sci-Fi Convention by myself, as well as a joint broadcast with Kittlen.
  • I did a 1-hour DJ set at SL16B, and nailed it, despite my nerves and despite it being well past when I normally head to bed.
  • I’m forcing myself to brainstorm and work out my life purpose.

Maybe I can’t be sexual with Kittlen. But I can be sensual with her, and comforting, and reassuring.

Maybe I can’t be rough with Kittlen. That just means that I’ll have to find other ways to get her to complete the tasks I set her.

Maybe I can’t heal all of her wounds. But I can work on giving her the courage and perseverance to get those wounds treated.

Maybe I won’t be able to travel to Canada to visit her this year. When I’m in a position to, I will. I promise.

What I won’t do is give up and walk away.

I’m Doing NaNoWriMo

The other day I told Kittlen that I’d had an idea for an origin story for Spitfire.

“That’s it. You’re doing NaNoWriMo.” was her response.

Gulp!

Kittlen has done NaNoWriMo for several years, using the stuff she has written in the past in her older blogs as starting points.

I actually created a profile last year, but didn’t do anything with it because I didn’t have a clue what to write.

Truth be told, I don’t really have much more than a vague outline of what I think my story might be at the moment.

But I’ve made a project file in Scrivener, and I’m going to dump whatever I can come up with into there.

I very much doubt that I’ll have 50,000 words in there by the end of the month. But as Kittlen pointed out, the important thing is that I try. It’s going to be tough, as I’ll have to find time from all of the other things that I need to do. Paid work and caring for my father take priority, and those will both sap my energy.

Anyway, I have a working title, ‘The Unchosen’, and a synopsis of sorts.

For as long as anyone can remember, there has been peace and prosperity across the Federation. But as the great and the good of many worlds gather on the planet Excelsia to celebrate the continuance of the Golden Age, one Excelsian is about to expose the dark secrets that underpin this apparent galactic idyll, and the lengths to which the keepers of those secrets will go to maintain their control.

The Excelsians are famed for their mastery of nanotechnology, which has made them the principal peace-keepers and mediators within the Federation. But can a race that has used nano-cybernetics to cure diseases, avert famines and even bring dying worlds back to life be trusted not to abuse that power?

When the once-engineered becomes an inherited trait, the engineers of the Federation’s ‘peace’ must face the progeny that is no longer of their design – the Unchosen.

A story of morality and consent, power and corruption, from the cellular level to the ends of the galaxy and beyond.

I did read a lot of science fiction in my youth, so I have that going for me. Asimov’s Foundation and Robots series, Frank Herbert’s Dune series, and Harry Harrison’s Stainless Steel Rat books, in particular. I suppose Spider Robinson’s books count too. But I’ve not read any of those in quite a while. That might be a good thing, though, as I don’t want to be overly influenced and derivative.

Wish me luck?

Tubthumping

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCkmIyC6v00

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down
—Chumbawamba, ‘Tubthumping’

Fun fact: over on another website where I had a profile, I would using song titles or lyrics for the names of my journal entries. 🙂 Continue reading “Tubthumping”

Separated

Around the time I was finalising my previous blog post, the shit well and truly hit the fan. Kittlen threw Penalt out of their home. Then she left a message in the family group telling them to protect me and left. She also left YouMustObey, removed all of her stuff from my land parcel in Second Life, and un-collared herself from me on there too.

Coming in rapid succession, I was walloped and left reeling for a while. Thankfully, other family members reached out to check on and comfort me.

The problems between Kittlen and Penalt had been brewing for a long time, but Coyote’s actions brought it to the boil. The last straw had been her collaring of Penalt without warning or consultation. Kittlen flipped out and told Penalt he had to choose between her and Coyote. He decided to pick Coyote. Continue reading “Separated”

Positivity Over Negativity

 

Snapshot9_113
My girl Kittlen performing at SL15B. The theme this year was crystal, as you can probably guess from all the bling in the background.

Second Life is celebrating its 15th birthday (SL15B) at the moment. As part of that, it has been running a week of music events running across several areas. And my Kittlen was not only one of those invited to perform, but subsequently did several fill-in slots for others who couldn’t make it. I am so proud of her! Not only did she kick ass, but she worked with the support staff and other artists to help things run smoothly. 🙂

Continue reading “Positivity Over Negativity”

My Kittlen

This last week, at Unity’s prompting, I’ve been busy with real life. In particular, those aspects of real life that I can sort out and make less stressful. It has been reasonably successful but has meant that I’ve had less time to play with Kittlen in Second Life.

Continue reading “My Kittlen”

Learning From My Mistakes

Being Kittlen’s dominant can feel at times like being on a roller-coaster ride. Kittlen has a lot of emotional and health issues to contend with, which impacts on her moods and behaviour in various ways. On top of that, she has two teenage children and one tween, which can affect her mood. Then there are the body memories, the traumas of her past.

Continue reading “Learning From My Mistakes”

Trust Exercises

I’ve been discussing with Kittlen about where our relationship is heading. We both care about and have helped each other through various rocky periods over the last few years.

Kittlen brought up the issue of trust, stating that she didn’t feel that my land in Second Life was her land. While I’ve allowed her to add various things, I hadn’t given her permission to move items around my property. And she had allowed me to see where in Second Life she is, but I had not yet given her the similar capacity. I’ve since granted her those abilities, with the proviso that she exercise these powers with care.

In some respect, that decision was a no-brainer. I’ve known Kittlen for over two years now, and feel I can trust her. But it is a big step, particularly for an introverted person like me. Letting someone alter your online world? That is like allowing them to change your dreams and memories.

Continue reading “Trust Exercises”