Kittlen’s former dom resurfaced last Thursday. Ezee hasn’t been on Second Life or FetLife for months. He made a few brief appearances on Facebook and Twitter, which I know about because both Kittlen and Coyote reported this to me.
( The events in this blog post took place between the 9th and 17th November 2017. )
This past week has not been great, for myself or Kittlen.
It should have been great. A chance for us both to recharge. But things didn’t turn out the way they should have.
(I had pushed myself too far, and, when telling my owner, she decided that I should have a mind vacation—a hypnotic trance that would last until midnight Sunday my time. Kittlen was not involved in the decision—she was told of it, and given no choice. She has permitted me to use her own words from her point of view. The entire journal, with our commentary to each other, may never see the light of the internet. It was a tool she used to help her get through.)
On Friday, after my regular DJ set at Old Guard in Second Life, I went with my Kittlen to one of the regular discussions at the P3 sim. The subject was “Owned”, and both of us had a fair bit to say on that, from both sides of the equation.
I’d known for a while that my Kittlen has a problem with her Second Life spending. Gachas, in particular, were a weakness of hers. (Gachas are devices that you pay a set amount into to receive one of many possible items. Some common, others rare. If this sounds like a gambling machine, that’s because it is, pretty much.) When you’re capable of going from 7000 Linden Dollars down to 100 in the space of a day, that is a concern. I’d cajoled Kittlen into avoiding gachas, with some success. But she was still doing too much retail therapy for my liking. And she was finding excuses to justify her purchases. Stuff for events, to give as gifts to people, pink items that she’d pass on to me.
It got to a point last Sunday where she’d gone and purchased stuff, yet again, without consulting me first. And I decided that my nudges weren’t working, and it required more drastic action to get her to change her ways. Little did I realise how much it would affect both her and myself.
I’m sat in the YMO Galleria with Kittlen in my arms, once again.
I still have to pinch myself. Me, a dominant? Yes. I’m still getting used to and learning about this new responsibility, but it isn’t the deep dive I thought it would be.
Kolie (not her real name, but the one she uses in Second Life) got hurt by [REDACTED]. She was the impetus for my removing my collar and leaving him. She had needed therapy to get over her treatment and the abuse from an ex-partner before that. My eyes finally opened to the fact that he was no Master at all. He liked to prey on submissives for his gratification.
It is ironic, my not being a real-life female (spoiler alert!) spared me from the worst of his mind games. But I’d stood by while a succession of other subs came and went. Either because they stopped showing up or because he cast them aside for ‘failing’ him. He did, though, take full advantage of my desire to please. He made me his club manager, but in reality, I just a dogsbody, doing all the work while he took the credit. To the point where I suffered a major burnout and had to stay off of Second Life for a week. By agreement, I reduced my ‘work’ time. And it was shortly after that that I finally put the pieces together.
I confronted him with this in my resignation letter. He played the victim, claiming I was falling for lies. But I could now see the truth. All the others he’d used. Coffee, Sarah, the previous managers. All the dancers and slaves he’d enticed. Not to mention Anna, whom he’d married in Second Life and whom I was Maid of Honour to, and he’d met and had sex with in real life. But Anna suffered the worst of all. A miscarriage. Severe blood loss. A tumour discovered shortly after and removed. And finally, abandonment when she needed support.
I lost touch with Anna, Coffee, Sarah, the others. I do not know what became of them. I do know that both Kolie and I are in a much better place now mentally. We’ve both resolved to move on with our lives.
I’m not sure if there’s a moral to this post. Writing this is a means of removing this memory once and for all. Submission is a gift earned, and not given. Domination is easy but does not make you a Dominant. And there is no shame in walking away from someone who only cares for their pleasure.
Finally, my thanks to all my YMO family, especially Unity One, who helped me rebuild myself. As well as Kittlen, Coyote and Bryan who have encouraged my growth in Second Life.