I’d hoped that I might be able to salvage my relationship with Kittlen, after writing my previous blog post.
Sadly, if anything the situation between us got worse, not better.
To the point where I decided that the best solution was for us to separate from each other.
I didn’t take this decision lightly, and it was with a heavy heart. But the alternative would have meant both of us eventually hating the other, as well as impacting our mental health.
To say that Kittlen didn’t take this well would be an understatement. She blames herself for driving me away, and she blames me, to some extent, for forgetting how to be her Dominant. It is true that my mental health was taking a hammering from battling against the darkness inside Kittlen’s head, and that eventually was just too much for me to bear. And the Dominant who helped Kittlen pick up the pieces after she was devastated by Ezee isn’t the Dominant that she needs now. Partly because I’m still recovering from the stress and anxiety that I went through the last two years, partly because I’ve realised that my goals and Kittlen’s just don’t line up.
There are a couple of ironies in how things turned out.
One was that we’ve both completed a six-week online course in Second Life on how to be a Dominant. I learnt a lot from that, both about D/s generally and about myself in particular. But it also crystallised for me the disconnect between myself and Kittlen. So the celebration at the graduation ceremony was decidedly muted.
The other irony was the arrival in the post, a few days ago, of a package from Kittlen that should have reached me for my birthday on the 8th of this month. For whatever reason, it got stuck in the postal system somewhere. Inside was a tea steeper, some Earl Grey Special loose tea, and an iridescent mood ring. I told Kittlen, and showed her a photo of the ring on my finger. Her response was ‘meh’.
I’m not sure yet where I’ll go from here. I’ll still be active in Second Life, and keep broadcasting on Gorean Whip Radio. And I’m working on improving my mental health. I’m now on the waiting list for a full autism assessment, so that’s a start. I need to write a Will, as I’m now a property owner. I also need to prepare a Living Will so that my wishes are known in the event that I’m critically or terminally ill.
As for Kittlen, I bear her no ill-will, and sincerely hope that she can find the happiness that has eluded her for so long.