I’ve spent the last several days away from both Second Life and Discord, to recharge my mind and body. I had a lot of thinking to do.
I now realise that I’d misread what happened to Kittlen in her Gorean roleplay. And that wasn’t helped by my not being receptive and understanding. I withdrew at the moment when Kittlen needed me most. 🙁
But this is only the most recent example of where I’ve been going wrong in our D/s relationship. Kittlen has been begging me to get into her head via hypnosis, to help her heal from her past traumas. But I’ve held back. Partly out of fear of triggering bad memories, and partly from a lack of confidence in my abilities.
And there is another factor that has been affecting our relationship.
I have it. Kittlen has it too. We are both on the spectrum, though our conditions manifest in different ways. Neither of us were ever diagnosed. And for Kittlen it’s more of a challenge because autism in girls isn’t as well understood or accepted.
Kittlen, to her credit, does a much better job of managing her autism than I do. She has had to, as a wife and mother.
I know that I saw speech therapist when I was very young, because I was non-communicative for so long. And I had problems with learning at school, which required a lot of remedial help. I have some of the reports from then, which my mother kept. But it wasn’t called autism. I was slow, shy, lacking confidence, and many other things. But the people who saw and tested me just did what the could and hoped that I’d grow out of it of my own account. Autism wasn’t really known about back then.
I didn’t grow out of it. I struggled on, through school and university, with mixed success. I found work, and even enjoyed some of it. But deep down inside, I know that there was something different about me. I found socialising difficult, and when I was under pressure I’d often shut down.
I kept going, but never had much idea where I was going, or where I wanted to go.
Voluntary redundancy in 2012 ended that journey. Although I was able to set myself up in self-employment, it was and remains a struggle for me. In the last few years, I’ve finally gotten steady money coming in, although not even close to enough for me to thrive. My family has supported me as much as they can. But I’ve been beset by bouts of depression and despair.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I made the connection and realised that I have autism. A lot of stuff that had happened to me now made sense. But I still wasn’t sure how to move forward, and paralysed by fear.
Then my Dad got diagnosed with terminal illness, and my whole life got shook up.
Kittlen got to see and hear me during that time. She later told me how she could see my brain shutting down and restarting as I tried to process what was happening. As I took on more and more of the burden of caring for my Dad, I started having lots of flares. My brain would freeze due to being so overwhelmed.
Somehow, I managed to keep going, although my life was pretty much on hold.
It has been just over four months since Dad passed away, and I’m in a much better place now mentally and physically. But in the process, I’ve lost a lot of confidence, and I’m still recovering it. Kittlen has had to remind me of all the work I did back when I started to Dom her, and made her fall into my arms.
I have a lot of ground to cover again, to get our D/s relationship back to where it was. Then I need to find the courage and strength to push forward and help Kittlen with her own healing.
I also need to get help with managing my autism. Knowledge and understanding of the condition has advanced since my childhood. But to tap into that, I will need to get some kind of diagnosis. That will need a conversation with a GP, and a referral to a specialist. And that in turn requires me to find the courage to ask for help. To be frank, that terrifies me, but I’ve gone as far as I can with self-help and self-care.
Kittlen has several times told me that I should let her go, that she is hurting me with the pain of her own issues. But I’ve told her I’m in this for the long haul. Why? Because confronting her problems makes me confront my own. Because her perspective on my behaviour has shown my facets of myself that I’d never knows. Because I really, genuinely love her, even if her pain and anguish sometimes overwhelms me. And because I see how far we’ve both come, and how much we’ve helped one another over the years.
I know it won’t be easy. I know I’ll falter at times, and want to give up. But I have to see this through, for both our sakes. I truly believe that Kittlen is my soulmate. I’ve never felt this deeply about anyone else before.
I have an appointment on Friday, to have blood tests done. I’m going to ask who I should speak to about autism and getting diagnosed.
I’m turning my life around. Little things, every day, adding up over time. I now know what the problems are, where they are. I finally feel like I’m starting to take control of my destiny. It’s still early days, but I’m hopeful.