I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down
—Chumbawamba, ‘Tubthumping’

Fun fact: over on another website where I had a profile, I would using song titles or lyrics for the names of my journal entries. 🙂

Since my last blog post, both Kittlen and I have managed to reconnect somewhat, and start working on moving forward. She is still looking for jobs, but the immediate financial peril is over for the time being. I’ve been distracted by work the last few weeks, which has concluded successfully and—more important—been paid quickly. I covered for Kittlen at CFNM in Second Life for two Sundays, which was fun but not well-tipped.

The D/s side of our relationship requires more work to get back on track, but that is going to be difficult for now due to the physical and emotional stress of caring for my father. I am frequently tired, which limits the amount of time I can spend with Kittlen anyway. Additionally, I need to maintain some distance when she is very emotional so that I do not get overloaded and caught in a feedback loop.

Her kids do not fully trust me but are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. Their view towards Penalt, however, is not nearly so charitable. They want him back, but not while he is involved with Coyote. He has now removed me as a friend on Facebook, so I’ve no idea what he’s saying now about Kittlen, and possibly about me.

As for Coyote, she has been saying a lot of stuff over on her blog, but I’ve lost interest in trying to understand her. She hasn’t directly referred to me, but I’m pretty sure that she aimed some of her snark at me. She appears to be doubling down on all of her accusations towards Kittlen. Including the one that Kittlen lied about Ezee lying. (Yes, that makes my brain hurt, too.) If she is willing to take Ezee’s side against Kittlen, then more fool her. Leopards don’t change their spots, and his spots are for real.

She does not appear to show any understanding of the damage she has wrought or desire to undo any of it. Having discussed at length with Kittlen, I have come to the conclusion that Coyote is a narcissist, only really interested in her own self-gratification.

Let her snipe from the sidelines. Kittlen will survive, and thrive in time, despite her efforts. All she will achieve is to make clear to anyone who cares to look that she will turn around and bite those who try to help her. She will reap what she has sown.

My more immediate concern right now, apart from my dad’s health, is that Penalt will try and use my relationship with Kittlen, and my membership of YouMustObey, as justification for gaining custody over their kids. That would be deeply ironic, considering that I began that relationship with his consent and approval and that I’ve helped her to heal after several online relationships that turned abusive. And from what I’ve now learnt, that may include Kittlen’s relationship with Penalt. 🙁 I hold no animosity towards Penalt—he has his own problems that need resolving.

Kittlen has asked me several times why I keep supporting her. The truth is that I’m naturally selfless and giving in nature. It is also because I recognise a lot of the emotional pain, the regrets, the anxiety that Kittlen has experienced. I’ve had the black dog of depression visit me more than a few time over the last couple of years. But I’ve been able to grow and move forward with help from Unity and the folks at YouMustObey, and I hope I can help Kittlen to do the same.

He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

As for me, I am coping as best I can with my current situation, and trying staying positive. I am hopeful that one day soon I will be able to travel to Canada to meet Kittlen in person and give her the hugs and more that she is craving. And if I can turn my life around so that I’m making good money, maybe even emigrate.

Penalt might not like it or want to believe it, but I really do love and care for Kittlen. And I want to be able to do right not just for her, but for her kids too—they all deserve better, and it breaks my heart that they’ve had to put up with so much crap over the years. Some of that was borne of necessity, but most was either bad luck or the indifference of others. Maybe I’m a fool for wanting to do so, but I would rather be a fool than a cold-hearted asshole any day.

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