This last week, at Unity’s prompting, I’ve been busy with real life. In particular, those aspects of real life that I can sort out and make less stressful. It has been reasonably successful but has meant that I’ve had less time to play with Kittlen in Second Life.
This period of separation has been tough for her, I know. She has a deep fear that her problems are too significant for me to handle, and that she cannot adequately help me when I’m depressed or stressed. I’ve done what I can to reassure her, even recording myself singing one of her favourite songs.
Ultimately, I need to sort out my problems as best I can. I’ve put off tackling them for a long time. Then, hopefully, I will be in a better place from where I can support Kittlen and help her heal and grow.
One of the gifts that Kittlen sent me last year was a little woollen polar bear. I’ve taken to keeping it near me when I’ve been feeling stressed or anxious, and it does help me a bit. It’s a reminder that Kittlen cares deeply about me, and wants and needs me. 🙂
I realise that this might seem childish, but having that gift from her means a lot to me. While I have a lot of online support, this is a physical thing that I can hold in my hand. I am a very tactile person, so having things to handle and feel is one way that I can cope when I start overthinking.
I suggested that Kittlen share some stuff from her journal over on FetLife. A lot of it concerns her previous relationship with Ezee, how he manipulated and abused her trust. 🙁 She does not like posting those, but I think it does serve some useful purpose. Hindsight is indeed a beautiful thing. She is still not entirely free of the things that he did to her mind, though, and that is something that I will need to work on with her.
The other night, Kittlen asked me: “A year ago, could you have imagined having me as yours?” I confessed that I couldn’t have at that time.
“Life without me?” It would be painful, to put it mildly.
“Life with me?” Even with her occasional tantrums, Kittlen still brings joy into my life. She is a partner in the most real sense, celebrating my triumphs and commiserating me on my setbacks. She gives me perspective on the problems I face that helps me to tackle them. She makes me laugh, and shows me affection in her unique ways, through music, videos and pictures.
And I bring joy into her life as well. She jumps into my arms when I arrive in Second Life, kissing and cuddling me. She loves when I speak in voice chat or during one of my DJ sets. And she adores my random acts of kindness. 🙂
I love you so much, my Kittlen.