I do not claim to be an expert on BDSM. As with most new skills I’ve acquired over the years, I’ve learnt while doing. Unlike those other skills, there is a lot more to ‘learning’ BDSM than doing some Googling.
I am fortunate to have had a good mentor in Unity One, but for the most part, she has let me find my way as a dominant. After several years as Unity’s submissive, I could use that experience to inform how I treat Kittlen. I also had my years spend mentoring others online. As it turned out, I would be needing that a lot!
While I’ve engaged in role-playing with others, Kittlen is the first and only person who has submitted to me. I did not force her to do so—she dropped to her knees before me because she loves and trusts me.
I’ve had people approach me to dominate them in the past. But I turned them away because I knew nothing about them or what they needed. What surprised me the most at the time was that I made it clear I was submissive. Some people assumed that I was dominant because of the way that I carried myself online, which mystified me.
We have been candid with each other about our fears and past hurts, and this has been cathartic for both of us. We share a need for love and appreciation. The act of talking in itself has been vital in establishing the trust Kittlen needed to place herself in my hands. My ability to listen without rushing to judgement was critical here.
I then had to deal with some hang-ups that I have about things that Kittlen wants me to do to her. We have not resolved them all. But we have agreed that Kittlen will let me do with her as I wish, and I will stop when she uses her safe word.
Most recently, I have faced comments that some folks cannot tell which of us is in charge of the other at times. Kittlen has a bratty side to her and can be a handful when she is resisting my commands. And I have times when I want to cuddle with her and relax. We both switch between dominant and submissive roles. Neither of us can spend long periods in the one mindset. At first, this critique annoyed me. But now I realise that the critical thing is Kittlen and myself getting what we each need. The way we do that may not be what others might use, but it works for us.
Through all this, I have had Kittlen’s love and devotion buoying me up. There were times when I wanted to give up and turn away when I doubted myself and my ability. But I’ve persevered, and I’m a better person now for being her dominant. And Kittlen is in a much better emotional place now than she was this time last year.
We have both received comments about what a lovely couple we are, which gratifies me. Kittlen still has trouble believing that she deserves me. I can understand that because she is a survivor of several sour relationships, some of them violent. I am not a religious person, but I do believe that the Universe nudged us so that our paths would cross one day.