Being Kittlen’s dominant can feel at times like being on a roller-coaster ride. Kittlen has a lot of emotional and health issues to contend with, which impacts on her moods and behaviour in various ways. On top of that, she has two teenage children and one tween, which can affect her mood. Then there are the body memories, the traumas of her past.
And those are just the obstacles on Kittlen’s side. I have my problems to deal with as well. I’ve battled with low self-esteem and depression in the past, and my empathic nature means that I can be overwhelmed by Kittlen’s pain and sorrow if I’m not careful. And I’m still working out some aspects of dominating her, encountering some of my hang-ups in the process.
So it’s not a huge surprise that I sometimes make mistakes. Some are minor and easy to spot and correct. Others, though, do not become apparent right away. I may be distracted at the time, or Kittlen might not be able to verbalise what is wrong. Those mistakes take longer to sort out, but in the process, I think we’ve both learned more about each other.
Kittlen has had several previous relationships that turned sour, a few even becoming violent. As a result, she can have a hard time convincing that some mishap isn’t her fault, or be paralysed by her fears. I’m getting better at spotting when that is happening, and even have some tools I can use to calm her down, but she may not be able to explain to me what is going on in her head.
On my side, I find it particularly onerous when Kittlen has a tantrum or distances herself from me. My fears start playing on my mind, and that in turn affects my ability to get back on track and take care of both her and myself.
We’ve also had to contend with how some others view our relationship. For starters, we are both switches, so we alternate between dominant and submissive roles as needed. Most of the time, I dominate Kittlen, but she needs to exercise her domme side occasionally so that it doesn’t manifest itself in unhealthy ways. And from time to time, she will stop and momentarily take charge of me, particularly if I’m feeling stressed or anxious.
This situation has recently led a few folks to joke that I’m not her dominant at all. That rattled her, and also planted seeds of doubt in my mind. Subsequently, a misunderstanding between us left her feeling angry and upset, and me feeling unable to function as her dominant.
Eventually, I consulted my own dominant and mentor, Unity One. She pointed out that I am a planet orbiting her sun, and Kittlen is a moon circling me. Unity reminded me that I could draw strength from her when I needed to and that my orbit should remain constant. I know that Kittlen generates tides of emotion within me, but I need to keep those in perspective.
And, as Kittlen herself pointed out to me, the fact that I am making mistakes but also learning from them means that I’m becoming a better dominant. And in the process, I’m growing as a person as well.
So yes, it is a roller-coaster, but one we’re both determined to carry on riding.