I’ve been discussing with Kittlen about where our relationship is heading. We both care about and have helped each other through various rocky periods over the last few years.
Kittlen brought up the issue of trust, stating that she didn’t feel that my land in Second Life was her land. While I’ve allowed her to add various things, I hadn’t given her permission to move items around my property. And she had allowed me to see where in Second Life she is, but I had not yet given her the similar capacity. I’ve since granted her those abilities, with the proviso that she exercise these powers with care.
In some respect, that decision was a no-brainer. I’ve known Kittlen for over two years now, and feel I can trust her. But it is a big step, particularly for an introverted person like me. Letting someone alter your online world? That is like allowing them to change your dreams and memories.
My journey into BDSM has had moments where I’ve had to hold my nerve and not run from new situations or sensations. The act of admitting in a somewhat open environment that I’m a kinky person was a big step. Roleplaying in text chat was the next. Entering Second Life allowed me to carry on that roleplay in visual form.
But it was my submission to Unity One that was the first significant step. She was unlike the previous people with whom I had played. She got inside of my head, even before she started hypnotising me. She had access to my innermost thoughts and feelings and still does to some extent. And she was the person who helped me ‘get’ BDSM. More than the mechanics, the emotional and mental aspects.
Working with and for her in Second Life, I also started to realise my abilities and learnt to trust my instincts. Knowing what other people need, and making sure they consent to your actions, are key to good BDSM.
Only a few other people have that level of access to my inner thoughts. Kitti is one, and Kittlen is another. I am a very private person, and I don’t open up to people unless I know them or are comfortable around them.
Unity has similar powers over me in Second Life to those I have over Kittlen. She can teleport me to her without my consent, see where I am, and edit any of my possession that I’ve rezzed. She also has some trigger words she can use to drop me into a trance. The difference is that Kittlen can put me in a submissive state when I need downtime from being a dom. And even there, she has put some safeguards in place to ensure that she cannot harm me while I’m in that mindset with her. Her dominant persona can be quite harsh, and she doesn’t trust herself enough to keep that away from me. I can dial down that persona of hers when I am myself dominant, and often do so.
Kittlen has gone a few steps further with her trust of me. She has given me access to her Second Life avatar so that I can dress her or do other things to it when she is not logged in. Logging in as Kittlen is not a power I exercise often. And not something I would tell others to do unless they trust the other person.
She has agreed to take my name as part of her own in Second Life now. The name change was not an easy decision for her. Names are statements of identity, and those words carry a lot of weight. I completely understand that.
We’ve discussed the idea of becoming partners in Second Life, with our relationship shown in each others’ profiles. But that is problematic. Kittlen’s current partner is Coyote, her former submissive. They were both abandoned by Ezee, their former dominant. Coyote is in a state of flux and turmoil. Kittlen’s partnership plus the DJ stream she pays for Coyote are some of the few constants they have. Coyote is okay with Kittlen partnering with me. But Kittlen worries that Coyote would feel abandoned all over again. I have no desire to cause extra friction.
The coming year will doubtless see moments where I have to trust my instincts or shout down my anxiety or uncertainty.