If you’ve ever bumped into me in Second Life, you will have noticed that I look radically different from most folks. My skin is dark blue, with rainbow spots from my neck to my feet, I have enormous ears and antennae, large purple eyes, lips and facial markings, and invariably sport a pink hairdo. 🙂 I frequently get compliments on my looks, which is nice.
I’ve not always looked that way. In fact, my avatar has been through quite an evolution since I first entered the Second Life grid. A development that has reflected how my perception of myself has changed over time.
Perhaps thankfully, I don’t have any record of my original avatar that I first rezzed in on Welcome Island. From memory, I think it was ‘Marissa’, but I can’t be sure of her dress sense. That form didn’t last long.
As soon as I got some spending money, I ran around and grabbed whatever I thought would make a good ‘doll’ avatar. And yes, ‘she’ has a bulge in her pants. On the outside, it doesn’t look that terrible, but on the inside, it was a train-wreck. I was utterly clueless about how clothing worked in Second Life, and it was several weeks before I was able to clean my avatar up and make it functional.
The next avatar I made was now human again, thanks to a friend helping me get hold of a half-decent skin, hair and animations. Decidedly pale, but human. And female—no more bulge. (Side note: I have no idea whose pool that was. I gate-crashed onto their island home.)
I first took the name Spitfire around this time. It came from a remark from my then-dominant, and I ran with it. However, it was just a name and didn’t reflect my personality.
Of course, now that I was going around as a human female, the ‘imposter syndrome’ was kicking into high gear in my head. I no longer stood out in a crowd, but I didn’t honestly feel a part of it.
After a while, I decided to splash out and go up-market a bit. Now I looked a darn sight healthier, and sexier to boot! (I miss that grass outfit, I ditched it after I moved to a mesh body because I just couldn’t get it to fit correctly.) Still feeling like an imposter, but one that (irony) was getting hit on a lot more.
I still remember the palpitations I had when I clicked the ‘purchase’ button on the Rosal Steam corsets, gloves and boots in this photo. Pricey, but oh boy did it make me feel more confident! I started going to BDSM clubs in Second Life on my own and didn’t feel nearly as much of a wallflower. I was also starting to strike out and forge my own identity now, with new hair and tattoos.
(Coincidentally, one of the places I ventured out to was Old Guard, where I’d meet a certain Kittlen for the first time…)
After I parted ways with my then-dominant and entered the service of Unity One, I made a conscious decision to embrace my fetish for robots and android wholeheartedly. I was passably human, from a distance, but went out of my way to not act like one. It was around this time that I shelled out for a Maitreya Lara mesh body. Finally, I had real tits and booty! I ended up throwing out a lot of clothes that were only for the standard Second Life avatar, but I was in a mood for a new start, and I associated most of those clothes with my now-former dominant.
I also dropped my name at this point, preferring to use just my YMO slave number (8391) instead. My motivation for this was to lose as much of the person who had put up with my former dominant’s behaviour as possible. Most of my friends were OK with the name change, once I explained. A few folks got weirded out, but I didn’t mourn losing their company.
This next picture shows another ‘android’ skin, as I didn’t love the purple skin. I’d also discovered the mesh outfits from r2 Fashion, which I love to bits! My mindset at this point was very much that of an android, and my speech patterns in Second Life, as well as my appearance, reflected that.
It was also around this time that I started DJ-ing again on a regular basis. Ironically, it was to replace Ezee, Kittlen’s then-dominant, who was regularly failing to show up for his shifts and to take the pressure off of Kittlen, who was working her butt off to cover for him.
The day I discovered this blue skin from Stargazer Creations, I immediately knew that this was the new ‘me’. Shortly afterwards, I started to gravitate towards pink as a contrasting colour against my new form. The new, alien, identity started to emerge at this point. Still a machine inside, but no longer of Earth origin or design. And I decided that it was time for a new, more confident Spitfire to step forward. 🙂
(It helped somewhat that Kittlen was dumping a lot of excess clothing on me that happened to be pink. Because, as it turned out, she hates pink. #pinkhate)
I went through what Unity described as my ‘Amazonian’ phase around this time. I maxed out my height, to the point where I towered over all but those with super-size avatars. I had to reverse my height gain after a while, though, because I started whacking my head on door frames and stairwells in various sims, to the point where it became a significant pain in the posterior.
The ears and antennae followed, as did facial markings and glowing purple eyes. It was also around this time that I started to DJ every Saturday at my ‘home’ sim in Second Life; You Must Obey. My inspiration came from dance parties held at Club Hypnokitten (now sadly closed) which had a soundtrack underlaid with binaural beats. I got permission from Unity One and Control Program to use similar binaural beats in my broadcasts from the Galleria. It was a bit of a gamble, I wasn’t sure if it would work or not—but to my immense joy, people loved it! This success was a major boost to my self-worth, and my persona became less machine-like and more exuberant. 🙂
There was one incident, however, that nearly derailed me. I’d taken to visiting a sim where Kittlen would regularly DJ. It wasn’t a BDSM sim but did require that males were naked at all times while females could wear whatever they liked. Most folks there didn’t mind my appearance, but one day a member of staff took umbrage, pointing me to a section in the club rules that stated that only ‘human’ avatars were welcome. I dithered over whether to make a more humanoid avatar, but both Kittlen and Unity got on me and told me no, I should be proud of how I look, and not change myself just to fit in. So I stayed put—and now I’m on the roster there as fill-in DJ for when Kittlen can’t perform.
A darker blue skin and rainbow spots helped to cement my new self. I now had a family in Second Life—Unity One the matriarch, and my sisters Kitti, Spa, WinterRose, Azzy, Sinead and Eleanor—supporting me as I continue to grow, exploring this new form. I’d now gone completely mesh, abandoning the last trace of the standard Second Life avatar with the purchase of an EVE’olution mesh head. I felt a sense of inner peace now—my avatar truly reflected who I was inside my mind.
The most recent changes have been more internal than external. My relationship with Kittlen, becoming her dominant, and the role-play and power exchange that has followed from that, have forced me to battle my inner fears and anxieties, to become the strength and resolve that Kittlen needs for her evolution. Knowing that I can be in her mind, that she willingly submits to me and gives me power over her, that I can arouse her as much as she can excite me—that has given me renewed purpose and momentum. 🙂
And what does the future hold? Well, Kittlen has already changed her avatar somewhat since becoming my girl—doll seams and ball joints (optional, depending on where we are and how she is feeling), and a rainbow stars tattoo the most notable additions. And we’re discussing the possibility of her changing further, following her becoming pregnant (through the magic of Mama Allpa) with my first offspring, which may or may not turn out to be a doll, fae, alien, cyborg, or a mix-up of all of those! 😀 Kittlen has also started using the hypnosis programmes on the YMO website, and they’ve had some impressive effects on her already. 🙂 But that’s for another blog post.
As for myself, I’m now considering pushing my avatar’s appearance, to become genuinely alien. It will be interesting to see how other people react…