On Being Dominant

I do not claim to be an expert on BDSM. As with most new skills I’ve acquired over the years, I’ve learnt while doing. Unlike those other skills, there is a lot more to ‘learning’ BDSM than doing some Googling.

I am fortunate to have had a good mentor in Unity One, but for the most part, she has let me find my way as a dominant. After several years as Unity’s submissive, I could use that experience to inform how I treat Kittlen. I also had my years spend mentoring others online. As it turned out, I would be needing that a lot! Continue reading “On Being Dominant”


Posting this for Kittlen, because of something we discussed the other day. Names and other details omitted, as I’ve never spoken publicly about this before, and don’t want to expose my identity or that of ‘A’.

She was the founder of the support / mentoring group that I helped manage over on another website, many years ago.

Over time she got to know each other well, and became good friends.

Then her health deteriorated, and she asked me to take over management of the group.

We kept in touch, and gradually realised that we were falling in love.

I was her shoulder to lean on, her ray of sunshine. She was going through painful medical treatment and struggling to pay for all the medication she needed. I helped her out as much as I could. Her ex-husband had abandoned her and her two kids and refused to pay anything towards their education and upbringing.

One night, she got so desperate that she tried to steal some medicine from the pharmacy, but got caught. The pharmacist took pity on her and didn’t press charges. I held her as she sobbed, and forgave her.

We even had cyber-sex one time, if you can call MSN Messenger ‘cyber’ that is. But my wireless cut out before I could climax. 🙁

Her partner knew me but wasn’t aware of just how deep our relationship was. I felt terrible about that.

She shared her life with me, how her two boys were doing, the struggles she faced.

I bought her an iPod Touch as a birthday gift and had it engraved.

Then one day, I got a panicked call from a mutual friend. ‘A’ had stopped posting online a few days earlier, and my friend had trying ringing her. To be told by the partner that ‘A’ had passed away in her sleep. Her body evidently decided to give up the fight.

I was numb for a long time afterwards. I couldn’t believe ‘A’ had gone from my life, and from this world.

There were several online memorials in her honour. I said some words but didn’t reveal how close we had been in her last few years.

The group we were both involved in got mothballed several years ago. I didn’t delete it, as I wanted something left online to show the good that ‘A’ had done for so many people.

I miss you, ‘A’. I hope I’m making you proud now, even if it’s a different kind of mentoring.

On Being Myself

I remember the first time I talked on-air in Second Life; I was petrified about how people would react. I was still self-conscious about being a biological male with a virtual female body. And my voice is the most significant giveaway that I’m not a girl—definitely a G.I.R.L (Guy In Real Life), but not a girl. I have been broadcasting for a month or so at that point, and being able to play music I liked and share that with other helped my nerves. And my friends at the time weren’t fazed. But it was awkward nevertheless.

Continue reading “On Being Myself”

Happy New Year

So, 2018 went off with a bang for me!

I had a power-nap on New Year’s Eve, due to a sleep deficit from the previous night. And I missed the start of the New Year’s Eve party that Kittlen was DJ-ing.

The original plan had been for me, Kittlen and Coyote to do an hour each, sharing the one DJ stream. But Coyote has been missing in action, due to internet issues and other stuff going on. And I completely forgot about it, due to all the things that have been on my mind the last few weeks.

When I realised, I had a brief panic, but Kittlen was able to calm me down. She would handle the party, and if I missed it because I needed to sleep, then that was ok.

I managed to doze off for a while until I woke up at about 11:45 pm my time to the sound of fireworks going off outside. I logged into Second Life and joined Kittlen at CFNM, shortly before midnight struck here in the UK.

She gave me the info for the DJ stream she was using, and we agreed that I’d pick up from her and continue the party. Thank goodness, the power-nap meant that I was conscious enough to get my act together. And I proceeded to spin tunes and talk for about 80 minutes.

By 1:30 am, the party had wound down. I said my goodbyes and went to the YMO Galleria with Kittlen before logging off of Second Life and heading to bed. I knew she’d be doing her regular Gorean Whip Radio show there, later on, to bring in the New Year in Second Life.

Sleep did not come quickly, as I was still pumped up from DJ-ing. I ended up staying in bed past my alarm time until I felt entirely conscious. I checked the clock on my tablet—it was 10 minutes to midnight in Kittlen’s timezone. So I jumped on the computer and headed to Second Life.

There was a significant crowd up on the rooftop of the Galleria, a large contingent of YMO people plus a few Goreans. Kittlen was on the mic to ring in the New Year to Second Life. She also queued up and played a few songs especially for me. 🙂

Kittlen told me that the consensus amongst family and friends was that we should partner. I decided that now was the time to stop talking and take action. I emoted going down on one knee and popped the question.

Kittlen was in shock for a while and said so in public chat. After a while, the YMO crowd were able to tease out of her what had occurred, and started cheering. This confused Kittlen even more, she hadn’t said yes yet!

After some in-depth private discussion, she went to voiceover and said ‘yes’. I was also on voice chat with her at this point and had to refrain from squee-ing until she’d finished the voiceover. 🙂

After some more discussion, she told me to look at her profile. I did so and saw that she had un-partnered. I went to the Second Life website and submitted my proposal to her, expanding on what I’d told her in private. A few minutes later, I got her response in my email inbox and confirmation in chat. 🙂

The party eventually wound down, and the crowd dispersed. We returned to my home in Second Life, and I was able to say hi to her kids, who had friends over for a New Years sleepover.

At some point, we are going to have a formal ceremony in Second Life with friends present. In truth, that last part is not much of a secret now. But I like the idea of the service, and so does Kittlen. Though I won’t be a bridezilla, promise!

There is another person, of course, in our relationship. Penalt, Kittlen’s real-life husband. He has been a friend for a long while now and approved of my becoming Kittlen’s dominant. He has acted as my hands, doing things to Kittlen that I cannot do via the online world. And I’ve been helping him by looking over and editing the fanfiction stories he writes.

But he remains watchful of me. Kittlen has had several bad online relationships that turned abusive. Ezee was merely the latest of them. So far, I’ve not set off any alarm bells in the way I’ve treated Kittlen. But that has set off a niggling worry in Penalt’s mind. Concern that I’ve somehow slipped under his radar that I’ll end up being like the others.

I don’t know what to do about that. But I’m heeding Penalt’s advice: keep doing what I’m doing, because right now it’s working and helping Kittlen. I’ve gotten this far because I’ve fought off the urge to back off. I’ve learnt how to take Kittlen’s pain and let it flow past me and away. I’ve even developed tools and techniques to help her find the mind silence that she needs.

Because of all the abuse she suffered in the past, Kittlen doesn’t feel deserving of love. She cares about me, but I know she struggles at times to believe that I love her as much. Reaching this stage in our relationship is a testament to our collective perseverance. Mine staying with her even she has been prickly, and hers believing in me when I’ve doubted myself.

I love you, Kittlen. Truly, madly, deeply. x

Trust Exercises

I’ve been discussing with Kittlen about where our relationship is heading. We both care about and have helped each other through various rocky periods over the last few years.

Kittlen brought up the issue of trust, stating that she didn’t feel that my land in Second Life was her land. While I’ve allowed her to add various things, I hadn’t given her permission to move items around my property. And she had allowed me to see where in Second Life she is, but I had not yet given her the similar capacity. I’ve since granted her those abilities, with the proviso that she exercise these powers with care.

In some respect, that decision was a no-brainer. I’ve known Kittlen for over two years now, and feel I can trust her. But it is a big step, particularly for an introverted person like me. Letting someone alter your online world? That is like allowing them to change your dreams and memories.

Continue reading “Trust Exercises”

Yingle Yule!

The year is drawing to a close, and it is time to look back and reflect.

I have changed a lot this year, in self-realisation, growth and achievement. At the start, I was still submissive, but beginning to explore the world of dominance with members of my D/s family. And now, that dominance has grown and matured, with the help of my girl Kittlen. 🙂

Continue reading “Yingle Yule!”

Being An Alien in Second Life

If you’ve ever bumped into me in Second Life, you will have noticed that I look radically different from most folks. My skin is dark blue, with rainbow spots from my neck to my feet, I have enormous ears and antennae, large purple eyes, lips and facial markings, and invariably sport a pink hairdo. 🙂 I frequently get compliments on my looks, which is nice.

I’ve not always looked that way. In fact, my avatar has been through quite an evolution since I first entered the Second Life grid. A development that has reflected how my perception of myself has changed over time.

Continue reading “Being An Alien in Second Life”

Learning To Punish A Kittlen

I’d known for a while that my Kittlen has a problem with her Second Life spending. Gachas, in particular, were a weakness of hers. (Gachas are devices that you pay a set amount into to receive one of many possible items. Some common, others rare. If this sounds like a gambling machine, that’s because it is, pretty much.) When you’re capable of going from 7000 Linden Dollars down to 100 in the space of a day, that is a concern. I’d cajoled Kittlen into avoiding gachas, with some success. But she was still doing too much retail therapy for my liking. And she was finding excuses to justify her purchases. Stuff for events, to give as gifts to people, pink items that she’d pass on to me.

It got to a point last Sunday where she’d gone and purchased stuff, yet again, without consulting me first. And I decided that my nudges weren’t working, and it required more drastic action to get her to change her ways. Little did I realise how much it would affect both her and myself.

Continue reading “Learning To Punish A Kittlen”

About That Guy Whose Collar I Used To Wear…

A bittersweet post, this one.
Recently, my friend Kolie got in touch with me again, after an absence of a year. For those who don’t know, both she and I subbed to [REDACTED] for much of 2015. The reason you didn’t know is that my Owner commanded me to remove that person from my mind.
 Kolie (not her real name, but the one she uses in Second Life) got hurt by [REDACTED]. She was the impetus for my removing my collar and leaving him. She had needed therapy to get over her treatment and the abuse from an ex-partner before that. My eyes finally opened to the fact that he was no Master at all. He liked to prey on submissives for his gratification.
It is ironic, my not being a real-life female (spoiler alert!) spared me from the worst of his mind games. But I’d stood by while a succession of other subs came and went. Either because they stopped showing up or because he cast them aside for ‘failing’ him. He did, though, take full advantage of my desire to please. He made me his club manager, but in reality, I just a dogsbody, doing all the work while he took the credit. To the point where I suffered a major burnout and had to stay off of Second Life for a week. By agreement, I reduced my ‘work’ time. And it was shortly after that that I finally put the pieces together.
 Kolie stopped coming online. [REDACTED] told me she was a dopehead, that I should forget about her. But then Kolie got in touch with me by email, and the truth came out. She was romantically involved with him for a while. But he’d gotten upset when she told him that she wouldn’t move until her daughter came of age. She created a different Second Life avatar and used that to get him to admit the truth. That he was only interested in sex, not love.
I confronted him with this in my resignation letter. He played the victim, claiming I was falling for lies. But I could now see the truth. All the others he’d used. Coffee, Sarah, the previous managers. All the dancers and slaves he’d enticed. Not to mention Anna, whom he’d married in Second Life and whom I was Maid of Honour to, and he’d met and had sex with in real life. But Anna suffered the worst of all. A miscarriage. Severe blood loss. A tumour discovered shortly after and removed. And finally, abandonment when she needed support.
I lost touch with Anna, Coffee, Sarah, the others. I do not know what became of them. I do know that both Kolie and I are in a much better place now mentally. We’ve both resolved to move on with our lives.
I’m not sure if there’s a moral to this post. Writing this is a means of removing this memory once and for all. Submission is a gift earned, and not given. Domination is easy but does not make you a Dominant. And there is no shame in walking away from someone who only cares for their pleasure.
Finally, my thanks to all my YMO family, especially Unity One, who helped me rebuild myself. As well as Io, Coyote and Bryan who have encouraged my growth in Second Life.
Picture of the old me, shortly after I left [REDACTED]