I remember the first time I talked on-air in Second Life; I was petrified about how people would react. I was still self-conscious about being a biological male with a virtual female body. And my voice is the most significant giveaway that I’m not a girl—definitely a G.I.R.L (Guy In Real Life), but not a girl. I have been broadcasting for a month or so at that point, and being able to play music I liked and share that with other helped my nerves. And my friends at the time weren’t fazed. But it was awkward nevertheless.
I’m back up and running again, after a week of living off of my smartphone and tablet. Also, my 2011 iMac is still in the repair shop, and I’ve had to resort to buying a new model so I could start working again. (I’m self-employed, and having a working machine plus my data and apps is a must.) Continue reading “Onwards and Upwards!”
I started this week feeling like I was walking on air. By the end, I was in a state of mild despair. I needed my Kittlen’s help to get my head straightened, and I’m not entirely out of the woods yet.
So, 2018 went off with a bang for me!
I had a power-nap on New Year’s Eve, due to a sleep deficit from the previous night. And I missed the start of the New Year’s Eve party that Kittlen was DJ-ing.
The original plan had been for me, Kittlen and Coyote to do an hour each, sharing the one DJ stream. But Coyote has been missing in action, due to internet issues and other stuff going on. And I completely forgot about it, due to all the things that have been on my mind the last few weeks.
When I realised, I had a brief panic, but Kittlen was able to calm me down. She would handle the party, and if I missed it because I needed to sleep, then that was ok.
I managed to doze off for a while until I woke up at about 11:45 pm my time to the sound of fireworks going off outside. I logged into Second Life and joined Kittlen at CFNM, shortly before midnight struck here in the UK.
She gave me the info for the DJ stream she was using, and we agreed that I’d pick up from her and continue the party. Thank goodness, the power-nap meant that I was conscious enough to get my act together. And I proceeded to spin tunes and talk for about 80 minutes.
By 1:30 am, the party had wound down. I said my goodbyes and went to the YMO Galleria with Kittlen before logging off of Second Life and heading to bed. I knew she’d be doing her regular Gorean Whip Radio show there, later on, to bring in the New Year in Second Life.
Sleep did not come quickly, as I was still pumped up from DJ-ing. I ended up staying in bed past my alarm time until I felt entirely conscious. I checked the clock on my tablet—it was 10 minutes to midnight in Kittlen’s timezone. So I jumped on the computer and headed to Second Life.
There was a significant crowd up on the rooftop of the Galleria, a large contingent of YMO people plus a few Goreans. Kittlen was on the mic to ring in the New Year to Second Life. She also queued up and played a few songs especially for me. 🙂
Kittlen told me that the consensus amongst family and friends was that we should partner. I decided that now was the time to stop talking and take action. I emoted going down on one knee and popped the question.
Kittlen was in shock for a while and said so in public chat. After a while, the YMO crowd were able to tease out of her what had occurred, and started cheering. This confused Kittlen even more, she hadn’t said yes yet!
After some in-depth private discussion, she went to voiceover and said ‘yes’. I was also on voice chat with her at this point and had to refrain from squee-ing until she’d finished the voiceover. 🙂
After some more discussion, she told me to look at her profile. I did so and saw that she had un-partnered. I went to the Second Life website and submitted my proposal to her, expanding on what I’d told her in private. A few minutes later, I got her response in my email inbox and confirmation in chat. 🙂
The party eventually wound down, and the crowd dispersed. We returned to my home in Second Life, and I was able to say hi to her kids, who had friends over for a New Years sleepover.
At some point, we are going to have a formal ceremony in Second Life with friends present. In truth, that last part is not much of a secret now. But I like the idea of the service, and so does Kittlen. Though I won’t be a bridezilla, promise!
There is another person, of course, in our relationship. Penalt, Kittlen’s real-life husband. He has been a friend for a long while now and approved of my becoming Kittlen’s dominant. He has acted as my hands, doing things to Kittlen that I cannot do via the online world. And I’ve been helping him by looking over and editing the fanfiction stories he writes.
But he remains watchful of me. Kittlen has had several bad online relationships that turned abusive. Ezee was merely the latest of them. So far, I’ve not set off any alarm bells in the way I’ve treated Kittlen. But that has set off a niggling worry in Penalt’s mind. Concern that I’ve somehow slipped under his radar that I’ll end up being like the others.
I don’t know what to do about that. But I’m heeding Penalt’s advice: keep doing what I’m doing, because right now it’s working and helping Kittlen. I’ve gotten this far because I’ve fought off the urge to back off. I’ve learnt how to take Kittlen’s pain and let it flow past me and away. I’ve even developed tools and techniques to help her find the mind silence that she needs.
Because of all the abuse she suffered in the past, Kittlen doesn’t feel deserving of love. She cares about me, but I know she struggles at times to believe that I love her as much. Reaching this stage in our relationship is a testament to our collective perseverance. Mine staying with her even she has been prickly, and hers believing in me when I’ve doubted myself.
I love you, Kittlen. Truly, madly, deeply. x
I’ve been discussing with Kittlen about where our relationship is heading. We both care about and have helped each other through various rocky periods over the last few years.
Kittlen brought up the issue of trust, stating that she didn’t feel that my land in Second Life was her land. While I’ve allowed her to add various things, I hadn’t given her permission to move items around my property. And she had allowed me to see where in Second Life she is, but I had not yet given her the similar capacity. I’ve since granted her those abilities, with the proviso that she exercise these powers with care.
In some respect, that decision was a no-brainer. I’ve known Kittlen for over two years now, and feel I can trust her. But it is a big step, particularly for an introverted person like me. Letting someone alter your online world? That is like allowing them to change your dreams and memories.
The year is drawing to a close, and it is time to look back and reflect.
I have changed a lot this year, in self-realisation, growth and achievement. At the start, I was still submissive, but beginning to explore the world of dominance with members of my D/s family. And now, that dominance has grown and matured, with the help of my girl Kittlen. 🙂
Kittlen’s former dom resurfaced last Thursday. Ezee hasn’t been on Second Life or FetLife for months. He made a few brief appearances on Facebook and Twitter, which I know about because both Kittlen and Coyote reported this to me.
( The events in this blog post took place between the 9th and 17th November 2017. )
This past week has not been great, for myself or Kittlen.
It should have been great. A chance for us both to recharge. But things didn’t turn out the way they should have.
(I had pushed myself too far, and, when telling my owner, she decided that I should have a mind vacation—a hypnotic trance that would last until midnight Sunday my time. Kittlen was not involved in the decision—she was told of it, and given no choice. She has permitted me to use her own words from her point of view. The entire journal, with our commentary to each other, may never see the light of the internet. It was a tool she used to help her get through.)
If you’ve ever bumped into me in Second Life, you will have noticed that I look radically different from most folks. My skin is dark blue, with rainbow spots from my neck to my feet, I have enormous ears and antennae, large purple eyes, lips and facial markings, and invariably sport a pink hairdo. 🙂 I frequently get compliments on my looks, which is nice.
I’ve not always looked that way. In fact, my avatar has been through quite an evolution since I first entered the Second Life grid. A development that has reflected how my perception of myself has changed over time.
On Friday, after my regular DJ set at Old Guard in Second Life, I went with my Kittlen to one of the regular discussions at the P3 sim. The subject was “Owned”, and both of us had a fair bit to say on that, from both sides of the equation.