[Image Credit: Live Life Happy]
One of the most significant personal problems I have to deal with regularly is my tendency to overthink. My brain can take a small issue, setback or annoyance, and spin it into a nightmare that has me withdrawing into myself, becoming cranky and snappy.
During the last few weeks, I had a lot of stuff hitting me in rapid succession that left me reeling. Some were outside of my control, but a few were self-inflicted.
I’ve been pondering coming out to my parents, but have no idea how to do so. The words just weren’t able to leave my mouth. And I was worried about how they might react to other aspects of my life. Kittlen offered some suggestions, but indecision paralysed me.
In the end, it took Unity One to break the log-jam in my head. The important thing is that my mum and dad know that I’m happy. How I achieve that happiness is unimportant. I know they both love and support me, with all my quirks.
My dad’s health continues to deteriorate, and I do what I can to support him and my mum. But watching dad’s suffering had been affecting my ability to function, and I felt alone and isolated. Again, Unity got into my head, reminding me that I have the love and support of her, Kittlen and the rest of my D/s family to draw on.
She gave me a trance to help me cope with what is happening. It has helped, though I do have a dark moment now and again. I need to remember to reach out to my friends in those times.
A few days ago, our TV/broadband/phone provider sent us a new Wi-Fi Hub / Modem and Set-top Box. Unfortunately, the installation of the Hub went wrong, and I was without Internet access for a long while.
That was hard for me to handle. Not just because I need Internet access to do work, but also because it left me unable to communicate with Kittlen. And just after Unity had gotten into her head, to boot. So many questions, but no way to get answers. Queue massive overthink!
(I do have some Internet access on my phone, but I have a small data allowance, so I was only using it when necessary.)
You see, Unity is my owner, and I am Kittlen’s owner, but Unity also has an interest in Kittlen’s development. So the news that Kittlen felt different after Unity had tranced her the previous night caused me to start imagining various scenarios, from having to start all over with Kittlen through to losing her altogether. Even though I trust Unity, and know she’s not interested in taking submissives who are already attached, my brain went to a few dark places.
Eventually, Kittlen was able to show me the chat log of what happened between the two of them, and reassure me that Unity had been helping her to grow and evolve. But I’m embarrassed now that I could have doubted either of them.
Kittlen has been recording some of the public trances that Unity has done in text chat in Second Life, as well as a few of the private ones that Kittlen made (with some input from Unity) for me. She is giving them all to me so that I can work my audio editing magic on them. The public ones will go to Unity for approval, and then be available publicly.
It is a learning process for both of us, and we are each getting better at performing. Hearing Kittlen’s voice saying Unity’s words, especially those designed to help me, makes me a bit emotional. It’s also hard to do editing, as I run the risk of slipping into a trance when I do so!
Unfortunately, a couple of business-related phone calls during this week left me in a foul mood, which in turn made me somewhat cranky and difficult to be around. And Kittlen had to deal with me while I was in that state. Eventually, with help from some of her recordings, I was able to calm down. But for a while, I started to doubt myself and think that I’d pushed her away.
I still worry that I’m not good enough, in those quiet moments when Kittlen is offline and asleep. I fear that if I lose her, I will fall apart.
I know that these thoughts and feelings are irrational, for the most part, but I’ve yet to find a way to overcome them fully. Music helps, as does playing video games, but they are only temporary, and not always practical. Talking to Kittlen, Unity, Kitti, Spa and others about what’s going in on my head allows me to process and dispel some of my fears. But when I’m offline, I can find myself suddenly spinning out of control and shutting down, to the point of being unable to communicate.
As a child, I was slow to start talking, requiring psychological help and remedial learning to catch up at school. Although I never got diagnosed as such at the time, I now realise that I have high-functioning autism. While I did eventually get a good education, I was never helped to develop any coping mechanisms to deal with my autism. As a result, I struggled through most of my adult life.
Coming to Second Life, and developing the persona of Spitfire, has given me a release of sorts from the communication and perception issues I face in real life. I find that I can communicate much more fluently, and my thoughts are less jumbled.
It wasn’t until I met Unity, and later Kittlen, that I started to work on bringing that confidence from Second Life into my real life. And, while the examples above are extreme, they are a lot less frequent an occurrence now than they were a few years ago.
With luck, I can continue to grow in strength and confidence, with the support of my love Kittlen and my online family.