On Friday, after my regular DJ set at Old Guard in Second Life, I went with my Kittlen to one of the regular discussions at the P3 sim. The subject was “Owned”, and both of us had a fair bit to say on that, from both sides of the equation.
Kittlen decided to write several long comments during the disussion and have me read them—as she put it, “Spifi will be my voice”. There was some amusement amongst the other participants each time she did this, and I got to read them out. But it was worth it, because they helped solidify a lot of things in my mind, and also made me very proud and a little emotional.
She copy-pasted the comments to a text file for me, so I can reproduce them here. For the sake of readability, I’m going to break up her text walls. Love you, mine. <3
Being owned… I’m both married AND owned. My husband is one partnership, and without his permission, I can’t be owned. Spitfire HAS his permission.
(For those who may have missed my previous blog posts about Kittlen, yes I am friends with her husband, and have his permission to play with her. More than that, in fact—he will sometimes help me, by being my hands and doing things that I can’t do to her via the Internet. wink)
And Spitfire, and Spitfire’s owner, Unity, have given me a sense of purpose, a “box” I can express myself in, so long as I stay within the “box.” I can be who I want to be.
(Unity’s help has been invaluable. I cannot thank her enough!)
I can be “Kittlen.” Being able to be Kittlen… OMG! I can be creative. I can be that treecat. even if it’s just in my mind.
BUT… what is most important, I can be scruffed out of a “bad spiral” and away from self-harm. Being told “No, you CAN’T do that” is just as freeing too.
(And I need to be more willing to scruff her ocassionally—gently, of course, but enough to get her mind back in focus.)
Spitfire is my dominant, My Owner (squeee I’m still getting used to saying that and the giddy feels), my lover, my mentor, my confidant, one of my support persons, and more.
(I’m still getting used to being called that, mine. And yes, I’m getting the giddy feels too… grins)
She is giddy with pride when I have a good set, A really good set makes her beam. She’s even recorded a couple of my sets to show others. “This is what my girl’s done!” Pride, passion, and more.
(And I’ve made the recordings available to Kittlen, also with recordings of DJ sets that I’ve done.)
She’s said I inspire her, and I’m very special to her. She’s very special to me – ever since about two years ago now, when she gave me her leash when she was a balloon avatar. I was the first person, other than her own owner to ever give her leash to. She gave me her trust on that day, and earned mine.
(That was a measure of how much I was willing to trust her back then.)
She has earned more than my trust. She gets in here taps head in ways that others haven’t. I almost think she’s reparenting me.
(I won’t go into personal details here, out of respect to Kittlen, but I am doing what I can to fill some gaps.)
She’s allowed my little out – even though I’m scared to let that side of me out.
(For the record, Kittlen’s ‘little’ is not a baby girl, nor am I a daddy Dom. She does need to be cuddled, a lot.)
She’s supported my need to be a domme and to be artistic, creative, write, and more. And we bounce things off of each other as friends.
(I’ve also been working on helping Kittlen deal with some roadblocks that are preventing her from being more creative.)
We were friends for two years before either of us had any idea of my becoming hers. And I am so glad I did. The support system that came with her is EPIC and I love it. Without them, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here today, in her arms, writing this. She’s still helping me heal my heart.
(I’m also grateful to my Second Life and D/s family, who’ve been helping both of us. Yes, I’ve needed support too.)
I love you, 8391. I love my Supermarine Spitfire with all I can. I’ve even sent her little tokens and she sent me a cloth mask during the horrid wildfires last summer. She’s actually worried about my physical health, not just what I can do for her so she can get off. Physical, mental, psychological health and more.
(Those tokens will be the subject of a future blog post. :D)
She’s a Twue Dom and deserves the belt buckle of dooooooooooom! Why is she a Twue Dom? Because the sex part of BDSM is secondary. The relationship and me as a whole person is what matters more to her than if she can get a fap session from me.
(I value and adore all of you, mine, not just the sexy parts. kiss)
I get up in the morning, about 7 am, and I already have a daily task to do – send Spifi my sleep report from my phone. At 9ish am, I’m able to concentrate on her cause of my kids in school. She takes off at 10ish till about 1pm for her dindins, and then I have her till about 4pm when I put her to sleep. Then… at about 11pm, I get to wake her up and she gets to put me to sleep.
(We use Discord to keep in touch with each other, and find it much better than Skype—we’ve even done occasional video calls. 🙂 We can share pictures and other stuff too, and when I’m working, I’ll hear notification ping in on my tablet device.)
I love this!!! it’s wonderful to have that schedule and that routine. Being put to bed… being MADE to go to bed when I have PTSD due to trauma… it lets me sleep deeper and better and gooder too.
(I’ve also been doing exercises with Kittlen to get her to switch off when she needs to sleep. Doesn’t always work, as I can’t control other things that can disturb her sleep, but she does appreciate my efforts.)
Nor is that the only thing I’ve given up control about. I’m on a linden diet and being able to say “no, I don’t actually need X” is also good and freeing.
(As you’ll have read in previous blog posts, this has taken some work to get to stick, but I’m very glad that Kittlen is seeing the benefits now.)
Being able to spend time with Spif’s owner is also wonderful. I have two people who love me so much… and more really. I have a routine, and a home sim, and a home with Spifi and things to do with the rest of the family and and and and and… inhales okay… no text wall.
(Unity is the only other person that has full access to Kittlen’s head, and has been assisting me in helping her.)
Spifi is sooooo real to me… and I know I am very real to her. wiggles
(This last comment was in response to whether online-only friends are ‘real’ friends. I’d concur with what Kittlen said, I’ve had many online-only friendships, some that have endured for decades now. And she is very real to me. Love you, mine! <3)