Stages Of Grieving

To say that I’ve been having trouble coping with events the last few months would be an understatement.

My father’s terminal illness has now rendered him completely bedridden. We have an air-mattress bed downstairs with a commode next to it for when he needs to answer the call of nature. He has lost a lot of strength, and even routine tasks are a struggle for him. We do have support from district and hospice nurses to help with his care, and we now have care workers coming in most days to help out as well. My mum needs that extra help because it gives her a chance to look after herself and live her own life. I’ve been doing what I can, when I can, as has my sister. My dad could not ask for more comforts at this time.

This latest phase of my dad’s twilight has been incredibly draining, both physically and mentally, for me. I’ve not been able to relax during the daytime due to people calling at the house and the phone ringing. I’ve had to be ready to help my mum if she needs my assistance, too. But the worst part has been seeing my dad’s health decline so rapidly. I’ve gone to bed at night not sure if the following morning will be the one where I wake up to find that he has left us.

All of this has affected my relationship with Kittlen. For a long while, I’ve just not felt in the right frame of mind to be dominant over her. In fact, it got to the point where she had to tell me what to do because I was so adrift mentally. Kittlen did what she could to cheer me up and lighten my mood, but a lot of the time I just wasn’t receptive. On one occasion I even safeworded because she was doing stuff that was making me uncomfortable.

Due to my ongoing fatigue, I requested a break from my DJ-ing duties for Gorean Whip Radio and You Must Obey. I received lots of sympathy and support from both the Whip staff and my friends in YMO. And it did give me some relief, in as much as it lifted some of the pressure that I felt on me.

At one point, Kittlen got me on a Skype video call. I was not having a good day, I was stressed and anxious, and it showed. As Kittlen later told me, my face registered that my mind was doing the equivalent of a crash and reset, because of all the things that were going on with dad. At her urging, I broke down and cried a bit. I needed something, anything, to let the pain out.

Unfortunately, that something was mostly Kittlen. Unity had taken off on a vacation of sorts and was unavailable to either of us. My friend Spa has offered to meet with me at some point, as she lives relatively near to me, but that is really for when the end finally comes so that I have some real-world support. Much as she’d like to, Kittlen can’t be there for me physically.

But Kittlen was able to do something for me. She sent me a package containing a TARDIS hat that she had knitted, some more paper stars, a big packet of Canadian Berries loose tea, and a load of pens and pencils. The hat had been several months in the making, and she has made me swear that I won’t give it away to anyone except perhaps one of the Doctors. Kittlen sent me pens and pencils because I’d told her that they are one of the things I use to cope with my autism, plus I can use them for drawing and doodling.

Another thing that Kittlen did to try and help me was to get me to focus on something that I enjoy doing. I’ve made digital art in the past, and fractal images, in particular, are a favourite of mine. So I downloaded a fractal generator for my computer and reinstalled one for my iPad that I got a few years ago.

[ For those of you who don’t know what a fractal is, it’s a shape or pattern that repeats it infinitely as you get closer to its surface. ]

It’s rather soothing to explore the fractal images looking for exciting details. And Kittlen loves the stuff that I’ve rendered and shown off to her! 🙂

Things finally came to a crunch after one particularly bad day (for me). At Kittlen’s encouragement, I unbottled myself and poured out all my hurt. A lot of tears flowed. Kittlen didn’t particularly enjoy it—she doesn’t like seeing men cry—but she knew that it was something I’d needed to do for a long time.

Later, Unity got in touch with me, and we discussed my situation. She reminded me that I would feel fear and anxiety as long as I permit those things to grow inside me. I need to cultivate happiness and joy instead. That’s a tall order, given where I am right now, but I can see her point, and I’m doing my best to follow that advice.

It has taken me over a fortnight to finish this blog post – a reflection of the stress I’ve been experiencing. Hopefully, the next one will come a bit quicker!

At Kittlen’s encouragement, I’m doing my weekly YMO DJ-ing slot again, and broadcasting on Gorean Whip Radion when I can. It’s another thread that helps me keep myself together.

[ Featured image was created on my desktop computer, all others were made on my iPad. ]

Overthinking

[Image Credit: Live Life Happy]

One of the most significant personal problems I have to deal with regularly is my tendency to overthink. My brain can take a small issue, setback or annoyance, and spin it into a nightmare that has me withdrawing into myself, becoming cranky and snappy.

During the last few weeks, I had a lot of stuff hitting me in rapid succession that left me reeling. Some were outside of my control, but a few were self-inflicted. Continue reading “Overthinking”

On Being Dominant

I do not claim to be an expert on BDSM. As with most new skills I’ve acquired over the years, I’ve learnt while doing. Unlike those other skills, there is a lot more to ‘learning’ BDSM than doing some Googling.

I am fortunate to have had a good mentor in Unity One, but for the most part, she has let me find my way as a dominant. After several years as Unity’s submissive, I could use that experience to inform how I treat Kittlen. I also had my years spend mentoring others online. As it turned out, I would be needing that a lot! Continue reading “On Being Dominant”

Dolly For A Night

I wrote this story back in 2015. The inspiration was an illustration that I saw online around that time.

Note: The following is a fantasy, but I would very much like it to become a reality someday. 😉


So here I was. Standing in a hotel room, the door key still in my hand. I’d received the directions from Master, and the receptionist downstairs had confirmed the booking when I inquired. I had my small suitcase on the bed, containing just some toiletries and a few… other items that I’d been told to bring with me.

Continue reading “Dolly For A Night”

‘A’

Posting this for Kittlen, because of something we discussed the other day. Names and other details omitted, as I’ve never spoken publicly about this before, and don’t want to expose my identity or that of ‘A’.


She was the founder of the support / mentoring group that I helped manage over on another website, many years ago.

Over time she got to know each other well, and became good friends.

Then her health deteriorated, and she asked me to take over management of the group.

We kept in touch, and gradually realised that we were falling in love.

I was her shoulder to lean on, her ray of sunshine. She was going through painful medical treatment and struggling to pay for all the medication she needed. I helped her out as much as I could. Her ex-husband had abandoned her and her two kids and refused to pay anything towards their education and upbringing.

One night, she got so desperate that she tried to steal some medicine from the pharmacy, but got caught. The pharmacist took pity on her and didn’t press charges. I held her as she sobbed, and forgave her.

We even had cyber-sex one time, if you can call MSN Messenger ‘cyber’ that is. But my wireless cut out before I could climax. 🙁

Her partner knew me but wasn’t aware of just how deep our relationship was. I felt terrible about that.

She shared her life with me, how her two boys were doing, the struggles she faced.

I bought her an iPod Touch as a birthday gift and had it engraved.

Then one day, I got a panicked call from a mutual friend. ‘A’ had stopped posting online a few days earlier, and my friend had trying ringing her. To be told by the partner that ‘A’ had passed away in her sleep. Her body evidently decided to give up the fight.

I was numb for a long time afterwards. I couldn’t believe ‘A’ had gone from my life, and from this world.

There were several online memorials in her honour. I said some words but didn’t reveal how close we had been in her last few years.

The group we were both involved in got mothballed several years ago. I didn’t delete it, as I wanted something left online to show the good that ‘A’ had done for so many people.

I miss you, ‘A’. I hope I’m making you proud now, even if it’s a different kind of mentoring.

Learning From My Mistakes

Being Kittlen’s dominant can feel at times like being on a roller-coaster ride. Kittlen has a lot of emotional and health issues to contend with, which impacts on her moods and behaviour in various ways. On top of that, she has two teenage children and one tween, which can affect her mood. Then there are the body memories, the traumas of her past.

Continue reading “Learning From My Mistakes”

On Being Myself

I remember the first time I talked on-air in Second Life; I was petrified about how people would react. I was still self-conscious about being a biological male with a virtual female body. And my voice is the most significant giveaway that I’m not a girl—definitely a G.I.R.L (Guy In Real Life), but not a girl. I have been broadcasting for a month or so at that point, and being able to play music I liked and share that with other helped my nerves. And my friends at the time weren’t fazed. But it was awkward nevertheless.

Continue reading “On Being Myself”

Onwards and Upwards!

I’m back up and running again, after a week of living off of my smartphone and tablet. Also, my 2011 iMac is still in the repair shop, and I’ve had to resort to buying a new model so I could start working again. (I’m self-employed, and having a working machine plus my data and apps is a must.) Continue reading “Onwards and Upwards!”